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08/04/10--01:24: Wednesday, August 04, 2010 (chan 1827438)

Why am I so stupid when I'm in a relationship... then when I get out of it and open my retard eyes I notice I had been getting fucked over the entire time... sigh. I give up I'm not falling in love anymore I'm just going to be a heartless bitch.



08/05/10--00:18: Thursday, August 05, 2010 (chan 1827438)

I've lived my life in search of love, happiness, security and stability. I've tried to be a person that people can trust, love, and be happy with... I get hurt easily, I lose trust quickly and I become bitter without a second thought. I can not love unless I feel loved.. I can pretend, I can imagine, I can wear a mask.

I am good to make people think I am happy which is a downfall of mine because I become quick tempered and in my defenses I use harsh words. I am needy and I need attention and love more than most. I want to feel wanted more than anything and I will claw for it.

I need someone strong enough to pick me up from my emotional downfalls. I need someone to not lean on me for I am already almost to the ground from burdens of my entire life. I like to think of myself as a strong person, but the one I share my heart with must be strong with me and we can hold each other up instead of leaning on each other and collide.

I don't want to emotionally take care of someone that can't take care of themselves or give me the same... I give up and just lay down in the relationship after trying so hard to hold everything together. I can't live an unstable life.. I have to feel secure if you want my love to stay.

I am soft spoken and shy. I want to feel safe.. I want to feel taken care of. If someone puts me down I want to know you are there to pick me up and defend me. I do not have the will to speak up for myself, but if someone ever says or does anything to hurt you I will come to your aid, because you are more important to me.

I want to be with someone forever so bad I will lie to myself. "You are happy, they are they one, everything is fine." Sometimes things are better to be left then to suffer in your own imagination. I need to be stronger in seeing the truth.. I need to know when something is dead... I need to learn to walk away.

One day I will be happy.. if I learn that I can't hold a hand that isn't there to hold.



08/13/10--01:37: (Un)wanted Lover (chan 1827438)

I feel more alone than ever
when you and I are together.
The things you say
day by day
I wonder....
Am I really that bad?
Why do I make her so sad?
I try to please
weak on my trust, but weak at the knees
for you.. so much I want your approval, none
I am not good enough, tho I give up a ton
I watch my voice slow to the floor
beating hearts, hateful words, slamming doors
I like myself more when I just know me
My eyes were closed, too glazed with tears to see
but still I find, through it all... a pull, a want for me to fall
into your arms where I'm scared, no warmth, no lull...a....
Bye



10/20/10--10:56: Wednesday, October 20, 2010 (chan 1827438)

Team PMS MU open time windows
(Central times)

 

Acey

Monday: 1pm - whenevah
Tuesday: 6pm - whenevah
Wednesday: 1pm - whenevah
Thursday: 6pm - whenevah
Friday: 4pm – whenevah (or) free all day
Saturday: 11pm - whenevah
Sunday: whenevah

BiPoLar

Monday: 2pm - whenevah
Tuesday: 2pm - whenevah
Wednesday: 2pm - whenevah
Thursday: 2pm - whenevah
Friday: 6pm - whenevah
Saturday: whenevah
Sunday: whenevah

Shiro

(work schedule varies)
Monday: -----
Tuesday: -----
Wednesday: 8:30 - whenevah
Thursday: 6:40 - whenevah
Friday: 4pm - whenevah
Saturday: before 10am (last sat class) (and) 8:30 – whenevah
Sunday: Whenevah

X

Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Saturday: whenevah
Sunday: whenevah




11/29/10--01:07: Monday, November 29, 2010 (chan 1827438)

So near my heart, but so far from my touch
I lay alone engulfed in a capsule of darkness
as I fall asleep thinking of you
only to meet you again in a dream
Strange to feel so much for a stranger
Strange to feel so close to a voice
I await the day the distance is just a step
that dreaming is then a choice
and your touch defeats your voice
That day these things will make sense
One day, some day... That day



12/10/10--14:08: Friday, December 10, 2010 (chan 1827438)

These new meds are making me feel funny... like I dunno how to explain it, but I'll try.

Feels like my insides are a balloon thats been filled up way to much and the air is slowly coming out of my fingers.. I feel like I'm about to float away sometimes. I'm breathing fine, like no shortness of breath... but at the same time I feel breathless. Hmm... maybe I'm becoming a vampire! :D

Hopefully not a zombie tho... if you see:

brains..... brains..... so hungry....

Please call someone :P




02/12/11--01:44: Saturday, February 12, 2011 (chan 1827438)

I don't trust people, I never have... sometimes I don't even even trust myself. There is one thing I have always trusted though, it has never lied to me, it has never lead me a stray, it has never hurt me, blinded me or abused my unwavering willingness to follow it and that is my heart.

I may choose to ignore it, mask it, tuck it away and build a fantasy around it, but I know.... I always know right from wrong, yes or no, if I'm doing or saying the right thing. I swear to you it seems like it stands up in front of my eyes, my mouth, my soul and yells the right thing to do always... Sometimes it feels like I can do no wrong. I choose to ignore it sometimes.... turn a blind eye as it screams and begs for my attention. Then it hurts... it hurts a pain I can't choose to ignore. I've tried to drown it in liquid, I've tried to drown it in hatred and anger...  but nothing, nothing can hide the love I have for well... everything.

I forgive even when I shouldn't, I love even when there is really nothing there to love, and I give every bit of my emotion even when I see I get nothing in return. I try to act like I don't care or that the world isn't somewhere I want to spend my time... but oh the mask I pull over my body trying to hide the one thing I want more than anything in this entire world.... to feel loved.

To have that feeling... to that one person I am everything, I am the reason that they want to breathe, the reason that they want to try and the one thing they can go to and know with every bit of their being that I will always keep them safe.

I can't say that though... oh no, I dare not let the world know my weakness. I let not the world know that I am but a kind hearted loving person who so desperately wants to share everything I have with one other person. I build my wall... I spend all my time trying to understand the hatefulness of the world. I cloud my sadness with my humor and project it so strongly on the mass of the public because for a split second... for one moment to hear someone laugh or enjoy what they have on this Earth makes me smile. It makes me feel something. It makes me happy because for that split second I am the reason for their happiness.

I met a girl, but not just any girl... I've met a lot of girls in my life, but this one is just... well... different. Everyone I have ever met or talked to or dated I either started off thinking, "They are okay, I can grow to like them.".... "It's stable, I can spend my time with them.".... "This is so not going to work, but at least it will pass the time and I won't be lonely."... "God, she is fucking annoying, but ugh shes here."...

This girl... no... this girl was never any of those. She was just.. her. She has never felt "fake" or like she was trying to be something she's not. She came at me and the way she talked, the way she spoke to me.. i don't know how else to explain it but... "This is me, just... me." I didn't have to wonder about anything. I didn't have to guess how she was or what she was hiding because she... well wasn't.

I adore everything about her, I adore everything she shares with me. I appreciate her honesty, her openness, her willingness to just let me in with no fabrications, no lies, no anything. She makes me feel safe, she makes me feel something I have never been able to feel... safe, like she actually, well, i think... no... no... I know, she cares about me. I'm able to tell her things I have never told anyone. I'm able to share with her things I dare not even admit to myself and she takes them... she takes them at face value and she embraces me for nothing more and nothing less than what I truly am. I can be myself... no masks... no walls.... no lies or holding back. I just am, I can breathe.

I've never met someone so amazing and honest, open and loving, so much to give, so much. To be around her for any moment in time is a blessing. To spend time with her is the highlight of my day. I wake up thinking about her, I fall asleep with her on my mind. First and last thought... always.

The best part of all of this... there is complete silence. I don't hear my heart screaming... I don't have to ignore it, mask it, tuck it away and build a fantasy around it. I don't have to ignore anything.... because if I hear anything at all it's just the rhythm of my heartbeat and the way she makes it light up... It's the way she makes me simply, but the most craved thing in my existence... It's the way she makes me happy.



02/18/11--21:06: Saturday, February 19, 2011 (chan 1827438)

Today Acey liked me.



02/19/11--01:23: Saturday, February 19, 2011 (chan 1827438)

Cry baby ass white people, ain't nobody like u


03/04/11--01:10: Friday, March 04, 2011 (chan 1827438)

You are the reason I smile when I wake up
You are the reason I don't want to say goodbye
You are the reason I look forward to the next day
You are the reason I can't sleep at night
You are the reason I find myself dreaming
You are the reason I want to try
You are the reason I let down my walls
You are the reason I feel butterflies
You are the reason I feel comfortable
You are the reason I laugh at nothing
You are my everything, my world, my bestfriend, my love

I find with each passing day you mean more to me than before
A thousand miles away, yet I let you the closest to me
Everything reminds me of you and everything I do I wish you were there
I ask myself questions...
How have u entangled yourself so much in my heart with nothing but a voice?
How do you manage to make me smile with everything you say?
How do you exist? :)

You're beautiful, sweet, understanding, funny, unique, trustworthy...most of all... you're mine and I, yours.

My first and last thought... always. <3